i'd like to know... i can't remember the last time i was happy. honestly i do know the last time i was happy. it wasn't too long ago. i remember i'd wake up happy to go to work! that's how happy i was... i guess when "it" ended at first it wasn't that bad but then everything just started going downhill.
i don't know... maybe its the fact that i was diagnosed with hypertension and now every morning i have to take a pill to keep my blood pressure down, or maybe the fact that i'm 1% over the standard for navy body fat in males and now i have to PT during lunch in the heat 3 times a week, not to mention now i go to the gym less, or is it tha fact that because of my body fat that i couldn't get my orders to stay in san diego to be a recruiter, or maybe it might be the fact that if i fail another PRT in the next 5 years i can be kicked out of the navy no questions asked, or maybe it's because my last evaluation was just a "promotable" instead of the "early promote" that i deserved, or maybe its because i have no inspiration or motivation to do anything anymore, or maybe because i'm getting old i feel like i'm starting to turn into my dad and i'm afraid of that, or maybe it's because i'm turning 31 and i'm still single with no hopes of ever being in love, or maybe its the fact that i'll probably never get married, or i'll never have kids, maybe it's the fact that i don't want to fail, i want to be able to make my parents proud of me and know that they didn't fuck up, they did the right thing.
so much is going on inside my head right now.
i can't handle it anymore.
its hard to think that people even care about me anymore.
like if i disappear no one will notice.
i guess thats what i'm trying to do. disappear or make it go away.
i wanna be happy again.
i used to love life.
now i think i'm ready to go.
don't be surprised if you don't see me anymore.
-i forgot to mention the fact that something is wrong with my leg that makes me not run at the pace that i like so it makes me look bad when i'm behind everyone else like i'm not trying hard enough. it's so embarrassing. but i'm not the type to try to get attention from being hurt to try to get out of something so everyday i still try to run on it and everytime i run on it it gets worse. so the docs gave me a pill to hide the pain.
thats one more pill that i take every morning.
these pills are fucking me up and not in a good way.
i need to escape.
i think i'm going crazy.
real talk.
i need help.
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